By Katherine Scott

When parents and caregivers think about hidden threats to their children, social media and messaging is a huge source of anxiety for many. At a time when many adults are themselves feeling more isolated and reports of childhood anxiety are rising, it is right to feel cautious. At the end of July, the Senate passed a bipartisan bill proposing new safety and privacy regulations for minors on social media and on-line communication platforms. This work was fueled in large part by testimonies from families whose children succumbed to bullying, harassment, and other negative impacts of on-line networks. While this legislation is new, concerns about the use of technology by children and adolescents have existed for many years. The good news is that one of the most effective ways we can support our children in navigating technology use is in having open conversation with them.

The Importance of Conversation

As Karen Cumberbatch, Head of School at Carolina Friends School, noted, “Whether it is assessing a child’s use of technology and social media or engaging them in difficult subjects, it’s important to be guided by what your child is telling you or showing you. At what stage is your child? Should your child wait a little longer to play a game, or have access to a smartphone? Be attuned to your individual child’s readiness.”

A large part of managing on-line communications—whether comments, direct messages, group chats, or other forms—is setting norms around speaking as respectfully with others on-line as you would in the real world. It may feel easier to engage in talking down when you’re not face-to-face. And jokes that may feel appropriate in-person with close friends can lose context without body language and intonation. These are important lessons for children to learn.

Renee Prillaman, whose long career with Carolina Friends School included serving as teacher, middle school head teacher, and interim head of school, has said, “Together with our children, we can explore how we are getting to know and connecting with other people: in what ways do our worlds collide, and how does our behavior ethically impact what goes on in their world?”

Ongoing conversations with your children, driven by a sense of curiosity, can not only help you assess readiness, but can help you be aware of the behaviors their friends and peers are engaging in. This could shed light on what potentially harmful behaviors your children are exposed to as well as what successful solutions there may be for connectivity, such as a closed-network on-line team-based game. Have conversations, too, with the parents and guardians of your children’s friends, and see what problems or solutions you can navigate together.

Skills for Managing the On-Line World

“If you want to successfully navigate the modern world, one so divided in many ways, you have to give students the skill set to peacefully resolve conflict,” Anthony L. Clay, the Director of Extended Learning at Carolina Friends School, observed. “Peace, harmony, and understanding may sound like cliched words, but we need that kind of intentional, strategic, smart work. Providing children with the tools to navigate challenges for themselves is core to our work at Carolina Friends School. Part of that work is nurturing a sense of responsibility to people and places around us, and that looks different at different ages and stages. From assigning chores and community responsibilities to encouraging collective activism against injustice, there are ways to connect with those around you that start locally and expand globally.”

Understanding the Threats and
Challenges of Communication Technologies

Part of helping children navigate the potential harms of social platforms requires an awareness of how addictive these technologies are created to be, and the false sense of connection that can arise through notifications, likes, comments, etc. David Chottiner, current Carolina Friends School Middle School Head, offers: “As a parent or guardian, it’s important to recognize how devices and apps are often designed to steal children’s focus away from what is right in front of them, removing them from the real and present world. Finding ways to create intentional limits and boundaries, while still acknowledging your child’s perspectives, is imperative. “ 

In addition to keeping on top of what platforms and apps your children may be exposed to or interested in joining, your conversations with them can also be informed by some basic guidelines around digital citizenship. At Carolina Friends School, we developed a set of directives that can apply across our range of learners and that are grounded in our Quaker values— continual revelation of truth, acceptance of and respect for differences, peace, spirituality of life, value of simplicity, and power of silence:

• Be present in the moment. Be mindful about when you are using technology to connect with others and when technology gets in the way of connecting with others.
• Be a learner when using technology. Be familiar with the technology you use and explore new, different ways of expanding your knowledge.
• Be aware of how you’re using digital technology. Be sure to take care of yourself. Think about your privacy. Draw boundaries for your use of technology.
• Be kind to others when using technology. Think about how you would like to be treated and treat others the same way. Take care of the tools you use.
• Be honest when using technology. Understand the rules for sharing and using digital material. Give proper credit when you use others’ material. Be authentic in how you represent yourself on-line.
• Be inspired as you explore the world through technology. Discover new interests and ideas. Connect with others who share your passions. 
• Be creative!
• Be a leader and use technology to help you do good in the world.